Jag minns hur överraskad jag blev av hennes hud mot min, hennes tag kring bröstet, ljudet av hennes andning. De där dagarna på BB i slutet av december 2011. När jag nyss hade fyllt nitton år. När jag fick mitt första lilla barn.
Jag visste väl ingenting, jag hade väl ingen aning.
Det tafatta fumlet med fingrarna över hennes kropp. Hur hudlös jag var. Men lättad.
Graviditeten som var så mycket ensamhet. Alla andra omkring som levde ett annat liv. Jag med min stora tunga mage.
så hennes kropp i min famn, hennes susande andning, det var början på något annat.
Jag minns hur han låg i sin pappas famn när han just hade fötts. Den där gången, en gång i slutet av december 2013.
Hur han låg hud mot hud och letade efter ett bröst, vilket som helst, hittade pappas bröstvårta, sög tag.
Hur vi skrattade, mitt i allt detta nya och sköra.
Kanske var det samtidigt någon av oss som grät.
Han hade så långa naglar, redan när han kom, han fick röda strimmor i ansiktet när han drog händerna i ansiktet när han sov, vi fick riva bort dem på BB.
När han snarkade lät det som en vibrerande mobil, alla hans sovstunder som spädbarn, jag rusade runt i huset och undrade vem det var som ringde.
Hans syster kallade honom för bessi för hon kunde inte säga bebis. Vi gjorde likadant, i flera år.
Som man gör i kärlek. Bygger egna språk.
Och jag minns – kroppen som överraskade
en klåda om nätterna och blodprover som gick åt fel håll
en bebis som måste ut snabbare än tänkt
den där gången, en gång i augusti 2015.
Att försöka sätta igång en förlossning med läkemedel
timmarna av väntan, en påse med lösgodis, en sjukhussäng
en kurva med bebishjärtljud som rörde sig för lite
en insikt om att det här barnet måste ut, inte nu på minuten, men några timmar och sedan är det nog
Planering för ett kejsarsnitt
en lokalbedövning som inte tog
det dåsigt behagliga i att bli sövd
lite skamfyllt skönt för en blivande mamma som sovit för lite
och jag minns –
att vakna upp och de säger att jag har fått en dotter
att bli körd till henne, genom natten, där hon ligger på avdelning med andningsunderstöd
masken över hennes ansikte som fick henne att se sjuk ut
allt runt och pösigt bebishull som fick henne att kännas frisk
jag minns –
hur de lade henne vid mitt bröst,
hur hon vaknade till, buffade med lilla huvudet, hur de sa:
ska vi prova att ta bort andningsmasken lite, jag tror hon redan vill försöka amma
Hur hon grep tag om mig,
dockade hos mig,
högg sig fast.
Och jag såg att här är den ju, all livskraft i världen, här är ju vårt nya lilla liv, precis som alla andra gånger.
Det tog sig bara ut på ett annorlunda sätt.


Efter min förlossning blev jag också sövd. Skamfullt skönt, du är så jäkla bra på ord. Det var exakt så det kändes!

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